I need to escape this place, im pushing myself as far as I can, I do it to such a degree it hurts to get off the couch in the morning, and still im not good enough. I study until I can think of nothing else, and still im worried about the tests I must pass. I harm myself in such a way so that I may escape the pain of so many memories. I would give my left nut not to dream of the past. Shit Id give both of them to not be as intelligent as I am. Its a curse, knowing the truth behind lies, and the deception in the eyes of many, deception they themselves dont even understand completely. The only way I am able to keep going at it in hopes of being commonly elite, is by listening to great music. I always get off topic because I start to listen to music LOL. Always brightens my spirits.
There are two sides to the human condition. The light/saintly/’good’/caring side, and the dark/egocentric/’evil’/destructive side. To be at one extreme or another is horrible for the mind, thinking of only kittens, or thinking only of death can harm the ability to cope with reality. Nothing is inherently wrong or right. To say such would automatically classify you as a clod in my book. Everything simply is, however everything is duality, light and darkness and all that.
The dark side of the soul and mind is the ‘I’.
Stupidity, the one type of people whom I am against are the stupid people. The ones who tend to have 4 kids, because they always think they are above nature and sleep around, allowing men to cum inside them, or to cum inside a women because it feels good. These people pollute or gene pools……
How ever so did I fuck up by being as the people I hate. Some how I am sure I still have a chance, but alas it seems destined for me to fuck up. I seem to not be content unless im miserable. I sicken myself, I ruin shit in my life without even thinking about it. When im happy I am told im a dick, but when im depressed or embarrassed people say im chill. My thoughts are jumbled, ive been thinking almost non stop for 2 fing weeks, and I had no ability to transfer my idiotic thoughts into words.
My mind hurts because its full of shit. Whats possibly, whats probable, why my mind wanders, how i need rest full sleep but the spirits fuck with me unceasingly. It seems ive angered one , my own hearth spirit named Kenneth, very human name yes? Anyways shes jealous it seems lol, did i mention Kenneth is female? Yes she fucks with my mind when im in the house when i leave, she trys to trip me HA. She is angry because i have a interest in a female. I think she enjoys the smell of dragons blood, ill go buy some soon.
Lower intestinal distress, been having it sense ive been taking vitamins. Ive got a knot in my back from feeding the horses HA, im such a pussy. It seems I had the odasity to go on a date with a beautiful charming women that is way over my ‘number’ im maybe a 6 on a good day, (on our date however i was maybe a 3 i was muddy LOL gotta love pissing spirits off :P)
Brings me on the topic of spirits, it seems like ive angered them, not even famila Bastet will chill with me as much as she used to. I miss her cuddling up with me to sleep :\ It seems that people accept my occult background…which is strange I use to be hated for my ability to do weird shit. Making lights flicker if i stared at them long enough, telling the future in my dreams, getting angry and shit goes down. Most think there just hap-stance, shit even i do sometimes, but its to common to be such. I see shadow people, I talk to spirits and leave offerings, im kinda like a modern day shaman man :D
Brains going numb ill just post this shit.
I was once raped, sad but true. By a friends father. Never mentioned it to my family, I was 5 or 6 at the time and I didn’t wish to be a burden. Even as a child I was intelligent, much more then my peers, now people think im a clod because I am not as social as I once was. They blame it on the weed, but thats one of the only ways I can cope being social….until im comfortable with you.
I am a burden on this world. Ive been told such sense I was 12 years of age. That shit fucks you up in head ask anyone, to be told that its better if you die then live, that your family sees you only as a mouth to feed, makes me wish for death. I hate to be a burden on anyone or thing, but it seems everyone thinks so……and there right. I have been unable to find a job because im not ment to be alive. Locked for 3 years in your room gives you thoughts. Makes you dream while awake, to escape the fucked up reality that is your life. Makes you slowly go mad, your mind at 13 couldn’t handle it, watching your friends play outside, hearing about there adventures, how they had a gf, or went out biking or camping. Books where my escape, until they to where taken away.
Then out of nowhere, go to job corps, a social place where you must share a room with 3 other dudes. I couldnt adapt at first, I was always anxious and sick, not to mentioned depressed, for a good 3 months. I then met a dude who I thought was a decent person, a lil black bro named Nelson. We where kewl, I gave him his first liquor, a week after I had my first beer. (Shit made me throw up, but the dude who gave it to me, Chris Born, was kewl about it.) Yea Nelson couldnt handle his drank, always turned gay on me. In the end he ratted me out. Pissed me the fuck off.
I came back home as a burden. In fact I think they thought me more of a burden. Which hurt, they could never understand anything. I wanted to go to school to get my diploma, but non of my credits transferred from SiaTech learning. Pissed me off but I wanted it badly, so I got a semester worth of Biology, History, American History done within a week, im very book smart and im proud of it. Then I met someone who actually raised my spirits. Samantha M. Corbin. A girl I still love, but sadly she made my mind wander, I couldnt finish school and got kicked out. She never found that out. I hope she never will never figure out how she messed my life up, she ruined my high school diploma, and all of my plans. I love her so much even after she cheated on me 3 times before she finally broke up with me.
I will contune this rant when I have more time.
I wish I could heal the world
I wish I could protect every person from harm
I wish I could stop being such a freak
I wish I would stop being stupid
I wish I could bring my pulse to under 90…..LOL
Everything we do changes the world, just living makes the world a better or worse place. Everyone of us effect the people we know, whether we would like to admit or not. I would not be over protective of women if I had not lived this life, I would not be an intellect, a gentle man, a protector, if it where not for the ‘evil’ people in my life. I would not think of myself as a Lord, while most people accept that they are peasants. They do not understand they are as they are because THEY choose it. I have chosen a path of Lordship even though many women fallow the path of the peasant. Fallowing this path in life, makes it incredibly hard to find a women worthy of my affection.
Humans have become weak, they value not the teachings of our ancestors. I understand we must express ourselves differently from the past, we are a whole new generation of thinkers, but alas I wish for the day of courtship. When people ‘dated’ for more then a physical attraction. Where you had to date a women more then a week to see her naked. Women afraid to lose there man, because they are worried that they are ugly or not good enough for another, to the ones who DO resist the eagerness to please the man who only wish to get there dick wet……I will always be here for you, I have respect for you and thats saying something. I hate you men who wish only to get your dick wet, to use Ladys, turning them into whores because of the damage you do. To women who become whores because of man, you sicken me, your weakness. Im sorry but not all men wish to date a whore, you sicken me. The ones who become it for no reason…….Never talk to me, and you know who you all are.
I was tired deal with it.
Whilst things do not need names, a named thing is a thing of power. You could spend hours discussing what is a rose, or you could say rose, a unifying name for the flower in american english. As Shakespeare said ‘A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet’. While that may be true if it where named something else it would not be a rose. Imagine in a world we called roses cats, and cats roses, one could not call a rose a rose because it was a cat. Do you understand my ramblings?
I am an idiot, as I have mentioned before :P
I am over-protective of women to the extreme, but one can not walk up to a female friend and tell her you wish to protect her, its just in bad taste. It is much more socially acceptable to tell someone you have a crush on them, therefore letting your over protective self be justified. I tend to think of myself as a gentleman and a lord, i treat women like ladys, pulling chairs, walking them home at night, ect. I am a pervert sure, as any man is. I shall tell you all a confession, a confession my friends here will never know, I have only had sex with one person… she also happened to be my first kiss :’(
My friends tend to think I have a porno but alas, I am to much of a romantic for such a thing. Like I said before, I am the kind of person who is your friend and stays such. Sure i have had women interested in me, but I didnt care for them as such. It seems the tables have turned. If i could stop being a romantic I would trust me, its a horrid way to look at the world when the world refuses to look you back.
Yep well now I am in a sour mood, peace.
So three posts in one day. Yep I am very bored, but it did feel good bullshiting with myself earlier. Sooooooo round 3 i guess. I can pick my nose with my tongue. Yep its a gift o mine. I am a social clod……. I have a headache, my nose hurts, and im talking to multiple beautiful women at once, and they seem interested in me…. If this is some trick by the gods, ima kick someones ass. HAHA. Im sick man and tired and head achy i need money so i can get meds.